The Greatest Blessing So Far
Part 3 of an LDS Fairy Tale

The decision to start a family is not a decision to be taken lightly. We had decided in 2008 for various reasons that we would wait to start our family until we were a little more established, Daniel was in graduate school and until we had gotten through some unfortunate situations that had come our way, our projected start date was sometime in 2013. By no means had we made the decision lightly. One Sunday in November of 2009 after church Daniel and I were discussing the chat that he and the bishop had that afternoon at church. It was a rather sobering conversation and one that I never thought I would hear. The bishop asked Daniel a question and prefaced it with, “I want you to know that I have never asked this question before as I don’t feel it is usually the bishops business, but I feel prompted to ask you, when are you and Lauren going to start your family?” Daniel told him of our plans, of which he understood our reasoning, but asked Daniel to talk with me about our decision and see if we felt our plans needed a change. So there we sat in the car, and we discussed in depth, and though we gave each other reasons to stick to our original plan, we both knew that the length of time that we had previously “assigned” to our family was farther away than the Lord or we wanted. We decided that we would take a year to save up money, and we would make it our Christmas present in 2010 that we would start our family.

This all seemed fine and dandy except for the fact that Daniel ended up losing his job and being unemployed for a very long time. Our hopes for saving for a baby quickly disappeared, as we were forced to live on my paycheck and our expenses were literally drawn out to the dollar of my paycheck, therefore all savings projects were moved to a way back burner. Our prayers and fasting always included the hope that Daniel would find a job that would replace my income so that I could be the stay at home mom that we both wanted me to be. Daniel worked hard at looking for a job, he would spend several hours a day at the department of labor, updating his resume and trying to find any kind of work from Ashton to Idaho Falls that might be willing to hire him. He got an idea from a friend in a counseling group to get his Commercial Driver’s License. He looked into the process and presented me with the plan. I will admit I was less than excited for him to spend 2,000 plus of our hard earned money to learn how to drive truck with the only option available to him to haul potatoes during harvest. I made him a deal that if he could look through our finances and our current savings and find the 2,000 without using certain accounts then I would support him through the process. I knew what money we had and I knew that he wouldn’t be able to complete the task to my specifications…or so I thought. Daniel was bound and determined to follow through with what he felt was a spiritual impression to do.

He managed to find the funds to pay for the course and his testing and licensing, and I tried hard to keep up my end of the deal with a smile on my face. The course took him approximately 2 weeks to complete, we were getting closer to our projected start date, and it now seemed that we were farther from our savings safety net since we just spent such as large sum. Daniel got his license and hit the ground running looking for work. Weeks went by and nothing seemed to be going better, or right for that matter. I wasn’t the most supportive, as I wanted him to know that I didn’t approve of the choice in the first place (so female I know). But when all seemed to be going south, he got two job interviews for hauling during harvest. He took one and was so excited to work. He was so happy to be working and contributing that he didn’t mind the 4 am to 10 pm or later hours. He was working and he was bringing in a paycheck. He was able to pay back all the funds he used and we were able to start saving for a baby. I would like to say that the hauling job lasted us a long time, but the reality of it is it was a temporary harvest job. So at the end of October we were back to square one, though this time Daniel had experience and we had some savings.

It didn’t help that with the most recent General Conference we both felt that our decision to start our family in December was good, but for some reason we felt that we were supposed to start sooner, this worried us as Daniel just finished his hauling job, and the prospects of other work were not looking so up. We followed our feelings and left the rest to the Lord.

There is something that you must know about me. I worked as a student secretary in the Religion Department at BYU-I for 3 years. I loved the work I did there and I loved the environment. I have always dreamed of one day getting back to campus and working there full time. In December of 2010 I was poking around on the BYU-I employment website during my lunch break. I saw some openings that seemed interesting and even a little exciting. I didn’t think much more of this, until New Years Eve. I was just about to close up and I felt the distinct impression that I needed to apply for the two positions that I had casually looked at the week or so before. I could not deny the feeling I had so I followed the promptings and put in my applications just prior to the closing date.

I fully expected to get the “kind” rejection letter that I had received in the past when I had applied at BYU-I. I waited and waited for the e-mail but it never came. As a matter of fact I got a phone call from a completely different department on campus that wanted to include my application in their pool of applicants for their position. I felt flattered. I was called shortly thereafter for a phone interview, and then later the same day I was called for an in person interview. Within a day or so I received a phone call from one of the positions I originally applied for and a phone interview was scheduled. I was overwhelmed in a good way with the way things were going. Daniel still was searching for work but was not getting any bites. We talked about the way things were looking with BYU-I and the concerns came out. We were certain that we were doing the right thing in starting our family, but we were not so sure about the choice we had made to have me work on campus. It seemed right as all things were pointing in that direction, but we just couldn’t bring ourselves to sacrifice me being the stay at home mom because I was the one with the job offers. It just didn’t make sense.

The time for my in person interview was fast approaching and I was preparing as best I could. I was nervous about the process itself and the fact that I was a week late on my cycle. Daniel and I are deal makers and we had made a deal that I would wait to take a pregnancy test until after my interview, as I knew that I would not be able to go through with an interview knowing that I was pregnant and would either be asking for time off in 9 months or leaving my position 9 months after acquiring it. I went in for my interview and felt as if I were before a firing squad. For and office assistant position I was shocked to see a panel of interviewers that ranged from the department chair to the individual whose position I was interviewing for. I felt that the interview went well, and the phone interview I had with the other department went well too as I had another in person interview scheduled for the following week. I went home feeling confident and certain that Heavenly Father was guiding us and was trying to provide us with a way. I went home to my sick husband, who was sleeping on the couch, I told him how the interview went and then I went to take an easier test. I am not sure if I was hoping for it to say pregnant or not, I was so unsure of how things were going to work or what the Lord had in mind. The three minutes that ticked by were perhaps the slowest three minutes I have ever experienced. I changed for work, and took the “stick” with its answer covered in my hand out to the couch where Daniel was resting. He opened his eyes, and we both were shocked to see the word “pregnant” and I think we both thought that the word “not” was going to appear any minute. Daniel was grinning ear to ear at the thought of being a daddy, but It still didn’t feel real to me, what did the Lord have in mind, what was he playing at. Was I really going to be the one working full time and Daniel was going to be the “stay at home mom?” Fear and anxiety began to creep back in.

The following week I went to my second in person interview, and received a phone call for another in person interview with the registrar’s office (the position I was hoping for). They didn’t want to start with a phone interview, no they wanted to jump straight to the in person interview. I prepared for these, but the added knowledge I had that I was expecting weighed heavily on my mind and I am sure it affected my demeanor, though it felt as though the interviews went well. I had heard back from the first job and they decided to hire someone else, and then it seemed like an eternity that I waited for phone calls from the other two positions. The phone calls were much the same as the other one I had received, and now I was officially confused. Here we were thinking that we had it all figured out, I was supposed to work at BYU-I, how could it not turn out that way as I had 3 interviews with them. We were expecting we would get the benefits from campus for Daniel and our baby as my parent’s insurance would cover me for another year and a half. But no, the Lord had a completely different plan, and the experience of interviewing at BYU-I appears to have been to boost my self esteem, and so that when the time in life comes that I am to apply and work on campus I have my foot in the door and I have already experienced the process.

For the first few months of the pregnancy I decided to try and make the experience more real to me as I was not fully accepting the fact that I was pregnant. I started to write letters to our unborn child, trying to connect and communicate my thoughts and feelings.

January 31st, 2011
Dear Baby,
You have been inside me for 6 whole weeks now. It doesn’t quite seem real. We have only told a few people about you right now because we aren’t sure yet if you are a baby we will get to raise and take care of in mortality or in the eternities. I have been very blessed and lucky that you have been relatively good to me and not making me sick like so many of the girls at work.
We were a little surprised that you would be blessing our lives, we started trying in October to bring you into our lives but that wasn’t Heavenly Father’s plan. He likes to try our faith. I came home from a job interview and took the test and we were both surprised and confused at this little blessing that would be coming in our lives.
I currently work at a Developmental Disabilities Agency and I have been interviewing for a job on campus so sorry if you have been feeling extra stress inside me. It has been a long process and I just completed my last interview for now.
Your daddy is trying hard to find a job so we can save up for you and so we can provide for you. It isn’t really easy relying on the Lord in all things (my job, daddy’s job, you coming etc.) but I do know that Heavenly Father is watching out for us and that we would be truly blessed to have you come be with us in mortality.
We Love You.
Love Mommy and Daddy.

With three job interviews that ended in being turned down, we didn’t know where to turn. My current position at Journeys would continue to cover our current needs but we needed another form of income to help us save for the next 9 months.

February 27th, 2011
Dear Baby,
So we are coming up on 10 weeks of you being inside me. You haven’t been too much trouble up to this point except that I need to eat far more often than I am used to, and I don’t particularly like stuffing my face all day long.
I tease your daddy that I think you must be a boy because you have made me super gassy, I have burped and passed gas more since January than I think I have in our whole married life, so only boys are gassy like that.
Daddy has had fun adapting to me being pregnant with you. Between my food cravings and his sympathy cravings he hardly gets a moments rest. He has been really good through all of this.
We have told both sides of the family about you. They are excited to welcome you into the family.
We have scheduled our first ultrasound and we are really looking forward to seeing you. Maybe even getting your first video footage.
I like to rub you and poke at you periodically; I feel it reminds you I am your mom, so I am in charge. Dad likes to give you kisses, though he has had to scold you for making me sick and uncomfortable on occasion.
We love you so much and are so excited for you to come be with us. We love you.
Love Mommy and Daddy.


In March of 2011 Daniel received an employment tip, and made a call to a produce hauling company located in Plano. He called them so soon after they lost a driver that the truck boss was slightly confused at how quickly he has heard the word that there was a position open. He went out for and interview and he got a job. We were so excited. It wasn’t just the fact that he got a job that was exciting to us but the fact that the combination of the hourly pay and the total hours he would be working each week would be the same if not more than my pay checks. A blessing from the Lord no doubt, that we would be able to save up for the eventual costs of bringing our baby into the world as well as He was providing us with a job that would be able to replace my income.

We went in for our first doctor appointment, eager and nervous at the same time. I was approximately 12 weeks along. We were excited to be able to share the experiences we would have with our doctor and the nurse at his office. We laughed through the ultrasound, as is apparent in the footage. It was amazing to see this little person growing within me. The arms and legs were long and moving. The little body was so perfectly formed; the head and face were so perfect. We immediately saw a great personality and spirit growing within this little body. We enjoyed every minute of the “inside” look at our little baby. When the doctor asked if we thought we knew what we were having I told him “I keep telling Daniel it is a boy, because I am sooo gassy, and only boys burp and fart as much as this baby has made me do.” He laughed, and mentioned that there is a little wives tale that has some truth to it based on the mother’s skin type. It is more likely that the mother will have worse acne with a male pregnancy as the male hormones contribute to acne. My acne had been flaring up, but it was only 12 weeks and too early to tell. Even though it was too early to tell we decided to follow my intuition and called our baby by the one boys name we could come up with and agree upon, Alexander.

March 13th 2011
Dear Baby,
You have been with me (mommy) for almost 13 weeks according to the doctor. We got to see you for the first time this week and you are about 2.5 inches tall. That isn’t very big but that height made you older from the doctor’s point of view.
You were so active, it was fun to see. You kept kicking and jumping and putting on a show. You appeared to be happy and healthy. Seeing you helped make your being inside me a little more real. I am looking forward to feeling you move inside me soon.
My body is always preparing for you, and let me tell you there have been some “fun” changes. I had to go buy a new temple dress because the one that I have had since your dad and I got married is not going to cut it. I have given up on buttoning some of my jeans, and I have taken to wearing maternity tops so I look more pregnant than “chubby”.
I continue to tease your daddy that you are going to come out half Mexican or covered in bean dip because it seems there is always room for some mild Mexican food. I don’t think he likes my joke because he knows what it means when I eat Mexican. ; )
We got a video camera and I am excited to use it. It will be fun to see you through it. Life is always crazy and still moving.
Love you lots,
Mommy and Daddy

Work was going well for Daniel, he liked driving truck and he was happy. This obviously made it easier for us to both be happy. We were able to live off my income and we were able to save all of his check. Daniel would come home from work tired but always willing to help me out with anything that seemed related to the baby. He was always willing to play with my belly and insisted that tickling my stomach and blowing raspberries on my belly were things that our baby wanted. I would always protest, and state definitely that this baby did not like being tickled.

April 4th 2011
Dear Baby,
I got to hear your heart beat today. The doctor said is was beating around 168 beats per minute. He said you sounded healthy and it sounded like you would be a keeper.
I have been noticing more motion sickness this month. I helped put Arianna to bed last week. She wanted to spin in the office chair. She fell asleep but only after 5 minutes of spinning in circles, and only for a few minutes as her dad came into the room. So I spun her in circles again for another 5 minutes. I think I know why pregnant women are not allowed on theme park rides…I needed to lay down for a long time.
So I read online that the bones in your ears are now fully developed and you can hear both mine and your daddy’s voices. We will try extra hard to make the sounds you hear ones of love and sweetness. I also read that your eyes are starting to develop, I am excited for you to see all the beautiful sights and to hear all the beautiful sounds that this world and life has to offer.
We are looking forward to finding out if you are a boy or a girl. We know we still have some time to wait but we are excited none the less.
As always, we love you
Love Mommy and daddy.

The secretary at Journeys was pregnant at the same time as me. She was actually two weeks behind me in the development of our babies. We would share in conversations asking how things were going and comparing our symptoms with each other. We always were pleased when our symptoms were the same so that we felt “normal” and didn’t have to worry about something being wrong. She was a lot more sick than I was and I told her I refused to share that symptom with her. As May came around work started to get a little more hectic, as schools were getting out and participants hours would be changing. I tried to keep the stress minimal for my baby. But who knows how that really helped. I did get a little frustrated at times with our secretaries pregnancy as it seemed she was able to recognize signs and things sooner than I saw them in myself, even movements or her baby.

May 2nd, 2011
Dear Baby,
Today you are 20 weeks along. You are almost cooked enough that we will be able to find out if you are a boy or a girl. We are excited either way. I heard your heart beat again at the doctor’s office. It is fun to hear and so soothing.
I had a great answer to prayer this last week I was a little concerned because I was almost 20 weeks along and I had not yet felt you move. Many had told me that several weeks ago I should have felt you moving. This made me nervous, and I started to worry about your health. I said a silent prayer to Heavenly Father that He would send me comfort so that I would not worry, or that he would bless me to feel you moving within me. I did receive a blessing of comfort for most of the week and didn’t worry about how you were, as I knew that all would be as the Lord willed it.
A wonderful thing happened on Saturday around 5 PM. Daddy and I took a day trip for Daddy’s work to American Falls. While I was waiting for the potatoes to unload, I felt you move inside of me. I felt you somersault, and kick and bump against my stomach. So I was so excited I told your daddy and texted others. I was so grateful that the Lord answered both of my prayers. I know he is always with us and watching out for us.
We love you!
Love Mommy and Daddy

Apart from my secretary feeling her baby move before I did, she also had her appointment to find out what she was having well before I did. I was feeling a little left behind, and the fact that I was the one that found out first that I was pregnant, I shouldn’t be the one taking the back seat…but I was. We joked about how funny it would be if we were having the same gender of baby as our pregnancy symptoms were so similar. She found out two weeks before me that she was expecting a baby girl.

May 24th, 2011
Dear Baby GIRL!
We went in today to see how everything was going. The doctor told us that you are doing well. You head is as big as your body was the first time we saw you. He said your heart was beating well and that all appeared healthy and well.
You were very wiggly, the juice I drank before the appointment worked a little too well as you didn’t want to hold still for long at all. The doctor and the nurse both think though that you are going to be a little girl.
I was a little surprised. I thought that you were for sure a boy for various “wives tales”. Both your daddy and I are excited to have you come to our lives and be a part of our family. I am glad that we will be able to put to use the blessing dress I made.
We are excited to decorate your room and start getting clothes. Your aunt Merissa said she wants to plan your baby shower! I am excited for that. It will be nice to have some Hunt cousins living in the area as Elisa and Oscar have moved.
We love you!
Love Mommy and Daddy

Immediately following the tale telling doctor appointment we changed the name we were using from Alexander to Elizabeth. We were excited to bring the baby into our home either way. She was very active and loved to move inside me. I would call to Daniel every time she would move and inch, and Daniel would reach over to feel. More often than not she would stop moving. She liked playing hide and seek with her daddy. The moment though that Daniel felt her move for the very first time was a moment that made this experience so real for him. He would sing to her, continued to tickle her (or my belly rather) and blow raspberries on her, much to my dismay.

The week before our 5th anniversary marked a very important doctor appointment. The “oh so wonderful” gestational diabetes testing appointment. I had scheduled my appointment first thing in the morning so that I could eat immediately following. I drank the juice, with my nose plugged, and to this day I am determined that I did not drink enough water with it. The test came back borderline, and my doctor decided to treat it as if it were gestational diabetes. I met with the dietitian the day before we were to celebrate our anniversary. I had been trying to change my eating habits and was unsure of what was and wasn’t allowed, I was being so careful that I felt like I was starving. Thankfully I was educated and was able to eat.

We took Friday the first of July off of work to celebrate our 5-year anniversary. Daniel kept a pre-marriage promise to me and took me to Italy…though it was just a portion of Italy and it was located in Idaho Falls it was still a wonderful way to celebrate. We went to stores, the movies, and we actually bought fabric for decorating the baby’s room. I had decided that I wanted the room to be gender neutral and that I wanted it to be adult as well as the baby’s room would probably double as a guest room as well. So I wanted to have an ocean or beach/shells theme. My mom had collected shells and fish ornaments as long as I could remember and I loved the decorating she did with that. So we found the perfect material and Daniel let me buy what ever I felt like I needed. I was determined to do a whole bed set and even recover the car seat and stroller we had purchased. He was kind and supportive.

With the wonderful news of Gestational Diabetes I was told to count carbs and that I would be pricking myself regularly. I also was informed that I needed to exercise regularly. I tried to take to heart all that was said, as I did not want a 10 pound baby (either from diabetes or from Daniel’s genetics) and I wanted for my baby to be as healthy as possible. I started taking the time to exercise everyday, and I was making as healthy of food choices as I could. I even went as far as cutting out all simple carbs (ie white flours and simple sugars). It was after two weeks of this that I started to be a little concerned, as I was not feeling our little girl move as much as she had in the past, we thought this might be sue to the fact that I was not eating sugars as much. I confided in others and when I would get concerned I would feel some simple little movements here and there. It always seemed that the Lord would comfort me or allow me to feel little movements. I became so excited by the simple little moves, when going through a session in the temple as my sister received her endowments I was excited to feel the hiccupping motion in my uterus telling me she was ok. I went into my 32-week appointment with my spirits renewed and my concerns for her movement comforted. I briefly mentioned that her movements seemed to be different but I was still feeling them. Her heart rate registered normal with the sonogram and it was good to hear her strong heart beat.

I continued to try and take as good care of myself as well as I could. I was eagerly preparing for a baby shower, a sister’s wedding, a birthing class and all the wonderful things to look forward to when the months turn into weeks for your baby to arrive. I was told by my fried who was helping with the baby shower that I was doing too much and that I needed to let others do things for me. I thought this was silly, and I wanted to help. The first week of August I had a dream that made me laugh when I awoke, especially when I tried to place some meaning to it. I had a dream that I had to leave my baby shower for some reason. I told all those in attendance that I was sorry I had to leave but they were more than welcome to open the presents without me and carry on without me. I told my friend of the dream and joked that the dream was telling me to prepare for labor and that I wouldn’t be at my shower. This was obviously a joke as I still had 6-7 weeks of pregnancy.

The movements of my baby had changed but I still felt my baby moving within me. I would periodically feel feet in my ribs and lungs, or I would feel a back and bottom pushing through. I had no idea that for the whole body to move or “drop” when I would stand was not normal; I just thought the baby had not expected the sudden change. I was not aware of what was actually happening inside of me.

Sunday August 6th 2011 I had another dream, there was a woman trying to tell me something about the birth of our baby. She kept telling me “your baby will be born on or before the 11th” I remember being half awake trying to communicate with her, but trying to be logical, the 11th I thought why is the 11th so important, the only thing that dealt with the 11th that stood out in my mind was September 11th. I shared the dream with others, half in joking that I had been told when my baby would be born, I even told my boss, reminding him that he needed to have someone ready to replace me as my baby would be coming early.

Apparently every year at Daniel’s work they have a weekly closing as the hauling has slowed down. The scheduled time for the closing was August 15th through the 20th, but he was going to ask for time off the week before as it was slowing down. I was excited for him to be home as he would be able to do several of my honey do’s and we would be able to get the baby’s room all the way ready. I was also excited that he had the day off when I had my doctor appointment, as he had not yet heard her heart beat. He was excited to come as well.

Daniel picked me up from work to take me to our appointment. We were excited to be there with our friends. I teased Doctor Hopkin that I brought Daniel along so that I wouldn’t get yelled at for having some high sugars this last week. We went through the regular appointment rituals, and added the Group B strep test to the mix. Then came the fun part, time to check her heartbeat. We had no idea when we walked in that such a simple little sound could be the reason for such excitement and the lack of sound the reason for such anguish. The doctor looked for a beat for what seemed like several minutes. A fleeting thought came to mind “he isn’t going to find it because there isn’t one, she isn’t there” I did not want to heed or give into the thought. Doctor Hopkin became very solemn and said we would go do an ultra sound. We went into the room across the hall. He searched and searched; when he found the chest cavity there was no movement, no heartbeat found. They gave us some time alone, as we held each other and cried.

We knew that what they found was real but we only hoped that there had been some mistake. We called our families to tell them what had happened. We asked for prayers that we would be comforted and protected and that whatever the Lord’s will was that we would be accepting of it. Our doctor came into the room to tell us how things would proceed. He gave us a doctor’s note to go to the hospital to have a 2nd ultra sound done. If they found the same things at the hospital then they would induce me. The fact that Daniel was able to be with me at this doctor appointment was a simple but needed blessing of the Lord, some how I was able to be strong and just hold my dear husband who was taking the news so hard. The appointment at the hospital wouldn’t be for another hour and a half, so we drove home to meet my family.

When we got to our house my brother David and his wife were there waiting for us. We cried together, and gave each other much-needed hugs. David told us of an experience that he felt applied to us. He told us that sometimes the Lord gives experiences to people He knows are strong enough to go through them and won’t forsake Him, so that it will bring those around them and who know them to the Lord and draw others into the atonement. Though this is for certain a trial, we have not felt that this was our trial, but the trial of others and even the trial of our unborn child. My parents and older brother Stephen arrived shortly. My Mother who used to be and OB nurse related some stories to us, sharing her testimony of eternal families and that sometimes the little babies that we thought we were to bring into this world were intended to make the ultimate sacrifice for some greater purpose. We had originally planned on having my mother come to the hospital with us when the baby was to arrive, and so she fully intended on coming with us and being with us every step of the way, and for that I am truly grateful. Daniel, my mother and I all received wonderful blessings, blessings that were truly from the Lord. Not that it changed the situation in any way, but it did make a difference to know that the Lord did know what we were going through, and that He was sorry that we had to go through this experience, but also to know that we were never going through this alone. Never once did we feel alone.

Daniel and I got a ride up to the hospital, and checked in. The hospital intended for us to stay there for the rest of the day or evening or what ever it would take. We walked into the room for the ultra sound; my mother arrived a few minutes after us. Originally the tech intended the ultra sound to be brief as that was the note sent by our doctor. My mother was willing to ask questions and when the technician realized she was a nurse she was more willing to discuss with us the things she saw. She was not able to identify or locate reference points in the brain, or the main portion of the body like she would in a normally developing child. She was able to measure the femur and strangely it measured at 32 weeks of development. Thus telling us that it had been within the last two weeks that our dear little baby’s spirit was called home to her Father in Heaven. We went up to the Labor and delivery floor. The nurses at the station had the intention of keeping me there from that point on and having me induced then and there. My sweet mother who had my best interest at heart asked if it would be possible for them to start my labor and allow me to go home and labor at home under her eye. She did not want me to be there in that wing, hearing the sounds of mothers who were doing what I was doing but would get to take their baby home with them. For her insight I am grateful. The nurse made some phone calls and we were approved to labor a majority of the time at home.

Before we left the hospital my mom received a phone call from my sister Elisa who is currently living across the country. She was in the Emergency room with her little girl and who was being admitted into the hospital. It seemed it would be a long day for all of us, but there was a little comfort as it seemed that we would be bearing each other’s burdens that day.

We left the hospital and went by the doctor’s office to get the needed prescriptions to start my labor. We had some time that we needed to wait for the prescriptions to fill and because my younger siblings were cleaning our house. So we made the needed trip to Flamm Funeral Home to learn more about the preparations that would need to be made. I haven’t determined if it was harder to tell people the child within me was no longer living or if it is harder to tell them that my child that I was carrying has passed away. But that moment when asked why we were there was the moment that all of the events became real to me. I was here to enquire about burying my child. My child that I had carried for 34 weeks, my child that hadn’t even been born yet, my child that I still hoped there was some mistake about what the doctors saw. It was Daniel’s turn to be the strong one, and he was. He asked the needed questions and then we were on our way.

When we arrived at home the loving and caring faces of my younger siblings greeted us. They had cleaned our house and they were there to comfort us. We passed around hugs and explained what the next hours would bring. We asked for their continued prayers, only this time we were asking that the laboring that I would be doing would be easy and quick as the natural reward of the laboring would not be ours to keep at this time. We invited them all to come and share the experience with us in the hospital when their niece was delivered, as she was still their niece. They all looked forward to that opportunity to greet her, and be with us, at that they left to allow me to start my labor.

I started having contractions around 5 o clock. These little contractions were ones that I needed to focus on and have them do the needed work to prep my body for bringing this baby into the world as my body still thought it had 6 weeks to allow for dilation and thinning. The contractions came regularly about every 7 minutes and lasted for 15-20 seconds. I tried to distract myself for the first little bit by helping my mom fill a hospital bag. This did not take much time, so I tried to find other projects. We had been given a flyer about a program called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. They have professional photographers who live in the area that come and take pictures when families lose infants at birth or shortly thereafter. Daniel made a call to the woman one the top of the list in the area. She said that she had a feeling she would be getting a call out today. She explained some things to him and then asked him to call her as we headed to the hospital and once the baby was born. Since I knew we would have someone taking photos that would most likely be our family portraits until other children came I told Daniel I wanted to cut his hair. I always love the chance I have to cut Daniel’s hair. It allows us time to just be together, only this time it took a little longer than usual, as I had to focus on the contractions when they came. Thankfully they were not so bad, so his hair turned out nicely.

The irony of this all as it would seem was that this was the intended day for the baby shower, and it was very apparent I would not be attending. My sweet sister-in-law and my good friend who had taken so much time to prepare and make the event special were kind enough to also inform those invited that the shower was canceled. We were by no means alone the rest of the evening. Friends who were hearing about the news would call, text or even stop by. Their presence was a good distraction and also a needed form of coping, especially for Daniel. It wasn’t until around 10 o clock or so that the visits started to taper off. I took some more medication at 11, and within 15 minutes the contractions increased in strength, duration, and regularity. I tried to get comfortable and was able to doze between contractions from about midnight to 12:45. I decided to head into the bedroom to see if I could get some sleep there. I realized that with all the commotion and getting up late on Wednesday I had failed to read my scriptures. Daniel was sweet enough to read them to me.

Around 1:30 I was struggling with the discomfort from the contractions. I came out to our family room and asked my mom if it would still be ok to take a warm bath. She said that was fine but to make sure the water level was low enough that there weren’t other dangers to consider. The warm water felt nice and it took my mind off the contractions for a while. Around 2:00 in the morning my mom came to the bathroom door. She said she didn’t know why but that she distinctly felt that it was time to go to the hospital, that it was better for us to arrive too early than just a little late. I told her that if she had a feeling then we needed to go. I got out and dressed. Then came the task of waking my sweet husband who had just fallen asleep not a half-hour before. It took a moment to wake him up and for it to register what I was asking him to do. When he realized what was going on he awoke and stepped into gear.

We got to the hospital around 2:30. As we walked up to the entrance my mom said, “I just keep hearing this voice, ‘6 o clock, 6 o clock’ I think we will have a baby here around 6 o clock.” We got all checked in and situated by 3. It took a little time for the nurse to start my IV, and when she checked me I was dilated to a 3 and 85% effaced. We still had a ways to go. The nurse asked if I wanted an epidural or pain medication. I had already decided that I was not going to get an epidural, as the thought of them even scared me. I ended up getting some pain medication, though I am not sure how effective it really was as the contractions were still just as painful as before. They did allow me a few moments of laughter though, as I made the statement of “Every time I close my eyes the floor becomes the ceiling, I don’t know if I can handle this!”

We patiently waited as the contractions continued. We all tried to get a little bit of sleep though it seemed the farthest thing from us at the time. It didn’t seem like two hours, but two hours passed by and the nurse came in to check me again and to give me another dose of medicine. I had gone from a 3 to a 7 in those two hours, and I was still laboring well. Around 5:15 the 3rd bout of medicine kicked in, the contractions came closer together, they caused even more discomfort and they were longer lasting. Daniel and I hadn’t had the chance to practice what he would do during labor as our birthing class was scheduled for 20th. He was amazing and caring. He stroked my hair and told me how great I was. He breathed with me through the contractions and held my hand. Around 5:30 I was finding it hard to hold still through the contractions and hard to focus through them. The nurse just asked that “if you can don’t push”. I don’t know if they realize how difficult that statement is to abide by. The body is fully equipped to bring a baby into this world with or without pushing and I was not pushing but each contraction brought our baby closer to delivery. At 5:45 the nurse started to set up the room for delivering our baby. This was a bit of an inconvenience as it was nearing the end of her shift and she should have been charting and informing the new nurse as to what was happening. My mom turned to Daniel and told him to call Doctor Hopkin to let him know the baby was coming.

At 6 o clock I could no longer keep our baby from coming, and knowing that soon we would be able to hold our little girl, and spend what time we could with her made it easier for me to just allow our baby to come. After 5 minutes of continuous contractions and my body laboring I turned to Daniel and cried to him “I can’t do it any more, I can’t!” Then a voice inside my head said, “You haven’t done anything yet, now is the time to help” I took comfort in those words and helped. In the midst of the contractions and my frustration my mom made a statement, “They are here Lauren, they are here for you, can’t you feel them, they are all here to be with you!” I couldn’t feel them though I do not doubt the presence and help of angels in all of this. At 6:11 our baby was delivered at 4 lbs 3 oz and 18 inches long. The doctor walked in the room at 6:12 and they started to clean our baby off. When they cleaned a portion and turned the little body over I made a statement that surprised most in the room… “HE is not a Girl!” They wrapped him and handed him to me, and I held my perfect little boy. A little boy that was chosen have such a short experience in mortality as his spiritual strength and courage was needed to prepare others on the other side of the veil. A little boy that was too perfect to keep for now, but our little boy that we would one day get to raise.

The nurses took Him away to clean him up and put him into some clothes. Needless to say, the baby girl clothes that we had brought to dress him in would not have been very flattering. When they brought him back he looked even more angelic than before. Daniel and I cuddled him and nuzzled him as much as we could. We invited family to come and see him and to come be with us and to share in the event. It was a blessing to have the strength and support we had from family and friends. We even had extra love and support from beyond the veil. My sister Elisa told me that there was a portion of the time that she and her little girl Lucy were in the hospital where it seemed Lucy was there physically but spiritually she was somewhere else. We like to think that she was visiting with us at the time. Not to be a support for us, but to be a support for our little boy, whom we feel was going through as much anguish as we were at the time.

The four hours that we had with his forever sleeping and peaceful body were a little piece of Heaven, just as he was. Thankfully we have pictures to help remember and cherish the moments that we had with him. The photographer was amazing, and she captured his perfection, and his strength in the images she took. We like to tease each other that he had too perfect of lips, and that he was too good looking, so Heavenly Father couldn’t let him stay and be a temptation for all the girls later on. Though the time was short, it was perfect. We had decided early in the pregnancy that if we were to have a boy that we would name him Alexander as it was a name that we both liked. It was in the hospital room while the nurses were dressing him that we decided on his middle name “Banál”, the Tagalog word for Holy or Saint, the perfect middle name. It wasn’t until later that we discovered that his Name Alexander meant “Protector of Mankind” his name is perfect just as he is, as we know he will be protecting us from the other side.


August 13th, 2011
Our Darling Baby Boy,
Our hearts broke the moment we knew you would not be ours to keep until eternity. Each step we took to bring you into this world was worth the moments we got to spend with you, because we know you will be ours forever. Your name means “Protector of Mankind,” and we now know that you were chosen to be a protector from the other side. We have felt your strong spirit with us along the way, making the path easier to walk, and making the experience more of a privilege than a trial. Thank you for the lessons you have taught us and will continue to teach us. We will miss you, but we know that you will be ours forever.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

We have no doubt that Alexander is watching over us from the other side. He joins the myriad others who have helped us to walk through those very difficult hours.

Thank you, Alexander, for teaching us so very much about you, about us, about life, and about God’s love and about his mysterious ways, his wonders to perform. You will always be with us.